If you've read any of my early posts or if you've been in contact with me in the last year and a half, you will know that I have struggled to find a job that is anything more than temporary. It really took a toll on me when we first moved to Winston Salem. I felt that I was useless, incapable, and a burden to my new husband. As the months rolled on, I realized just how much I had allowed my identity to become wrapped up in what I did, instead of it being who I am in Christ. I also finally acknowledged just how angry I was at God. I didn't deserve for this to happen. I was a good person. I was so much more than what my jobs (or lack thereof) made me out to be.
Man, was I self-absorbed.
After fighting it out with my Heavenly Father over the span of a year, I was finally humbled. I can't say there was a single moment that changed my heart, but rather a series of situations where I realized I was helpless. That there was nothing I could do to change my situation because I had already done everything I could.
I finally realized that God was begging me to trust Him. As much as the Lord Almighty can beg an insignificant human being, He kept telling me the same thing over and over again, tugging at my soul, hoping these words would reach my stubborn heart:
Just be still, and trust Me.
You would think six small words wouldn't be that difficult to put into practice. Think again. I have never been good at being still. I have always been a person that intentionally stays busy because I like it that way. I can't stand sitting around all day; I have to be doing a ton of different things, usually all at the same time. Even on weekends and "days off", I always have projects lined up to work on. I live for To Do lists, and I thrive in busyness and chaos. I've always prided myself on how many things I can have on my plate and still be successful. In college, I was an RA in a freshman hall, I led a weekly Women's small group, I worked at a daycare, I was involved with my church and a weekly campus ministry, and I took a full load of classes and maintained good grades, all at the same time. I don't say that to brag (trust me, I had several meltdowns in the midst of all that), just for you to get a view into how I lived. Then I get married and moved, and everything changed. I figured out how to keep myself busy around our home (and believe me, I really do love everything about homemaking, it was just an adjustment for it to be the one thing I did), and I tried again and again to find a permanent job, but with no success. I found some temporary jobs, but part of me remained discouraged because none of those jobs were going to lead to anything.
Or so I thought.
Now, flash back to late July. I was working at my church as an assistant director for a summer day camp, which ended early August. I had applied to several jobs, had a few interviews, but nothing was standing out. I was starting back in graduate school in late August, so I wanted a part time job that would bring in some extra money, but that wouldn't prevent me from doing my schoolwork and spending time with my husband. In the past, I would have been completely flipped out with stress at this point. I mean, I was TWO WEEKS away from not having a job again. But this time was different. I was completely at peace. I did my part by looking for jobs and applying, but I kept hearing God telling me the same thing He had been saying for months:
Just be still, and trust me.
And this time, I was listening.
Then it happened. I was sitting at the desk where I always sat to greet parents as they dropped off their children when one of the parents, who also worked at the church, came up to me and casually asked "So what are you doing for work once camp ends?" I replied that I was still figuring that out. Then she looked at me and said, "We need to talk. I'll come back and we can chat." Later that afternoon, she came back and offered me a job.
I'm going to say that again. She offered me a job. TWO WEEKS before my current job was ending. The hours were perfect, the position was right up my alley, I would be working for her (I already liked her a lot), and I could start immediately after my summer job ended. It literally could not have been more perfect. I wanted to jump out of my skin and squeal. I couldn't wait to get home and tell Matt. I couldn't have planned this if I tried. God was SO GOOD!!!
This would be a perfect place to end the story, but there's an upcoming bump in the road.
A week after I received this incredible news, I got some not-so-incredible news. She came back to me and I could tell something wasn't right. She told me that she had to wait to hire me for unforeseen reasons, and that it could be up to a month before I started work. I could tell she was discouraged, so I tried my best to remain optimistic. I went home and Matt and I talked and prayed over it, and I heard those six words once again:
Just be still, and trust me.
And it was then that I knew I needed to just wait and see what happened with this. It was completely against my nature to still back and wait. Everything in me seemed to be screaming: What are you doing?!? You can't just sit there. You're being too trusting. You're being lazy!
But praise the Lord that His voice was louder than that one, and so I went against my better judgment and waited.
This still left the issue of what I was going to do once camp ended. But God wasn't finished working. Thankfully, He never is. :) One of the families from camp started asking if anyone could watch their daughter after camp was over because she didn't go back to school for another two weeks, so I volunteered to do it. That covered two weeks of work right there. Then, the day before my last day with that family, I got a text from a girl who worked at the church asking if I could watch her baby for her. I loved her baby, so I eagerly agreed to help her out. I then explained the situation with the job I had tentatively been offered, and she offered for me to work for her watching her daughter until I started with my new job, and then she would find someone new.
Because I love pictures, here are some of my precious little brown-eyed buddy. :)
She is one of the happiest babies I have ever met, and SO CUTE!!! And super photogenic.
Melt. My. Heart. She even had Matt wrapped around her baby finger. He asked for pictures of her daily.
Seriously though, I could eat her up.
August ended, and I heard nothing about the job. September went by, and still nothing. I would occasionally see my (potential) boss and she would always tell me that she had yet to get the green light. I could sense she was frustrated, but there was nothing we could do except pray and wait.
October came, and I really started thinking this perfect job was no more. I even got a message from her apologizing profusely about the situation and saying that she was doing everything she could to get me there but to no avail. She even told me that it wasn't fair to me and that I should look for another job. Again, I asked God what I should do. Was this period of being still just a test that was now over?
But His answer was the same as it had been for months.
Just be still, and trust Me.
Then October 21st happened. I saw my (potential) boss like I normally did on Wednesday nights, but this time it was different. She stopped me and said that she had gotten the green light just that morning! I could FINALLY start my new job! We were both SO excited. I met with her the following week to discuss details, and I started Monday, November 2. I am the Communications Assistant at Calvary, and I do a lot with social media, marketing, and basically anything my boss needs help with. :)
Now you can see why I waited so long to post. ;) My first week of work was great. I really enjoy what I am doing, and my boss and I get along wonderfully (here's hoping I don't scare her off...). I feel that I am where I am supposed after a LONG wait, and I cannot wait to see what all happens in this new adventure.
Through all this, I NEVER WENT A SINGLE DAY WITHOUT HAVING WORK. I was floored. I could not believe it had worked out this beautifully. This is just one of the many rewards the Lord has blessed me with by simply being still and trusting Him.
Even as I am writing this, I am in awe of all that my Heavenly Father has done for me. I am so undeserving, and was so indignant and self-righteous. Yet He loves me enough to put up with my mess and to provide for me the perfect job. And even though the road to it had some crazy twists and turns, it couldn't have been a better ride. :)
